Old Dudes

 I spent half my life in a long term relationship so, dating in general was all new to me until a little over three years ago. One thing I learned is that it is now okay for young guys & older chicks to date. I like this. I like this a lot. Long gone are the days where that one creepy, old dude at the bar (yeah, you know him) was some chick’s only viable option. Old guys, get in check because the playing field has been LEVELED. Hell, for many, it’s been completely demolished.

Now, I’m not your typical chick. I avoid most “chick things” like the plague. However, I am aware of what most chicks find attractive in a man & financial security is really high on that list. Most chicks want to fall in love, get married, have babies, blah, blah, blah. I believe this is what chicks call “growing up”. Me? I call it a life sentence. Marriage is like prom. Nothing impressive but at least you went. Home ownership? Overrated. Babies? Well, that’s just crazy.

What I have learned from the dating world & the low ratio of thirty something men compared to guys in their 20′s & 40′s on online dating sites is that the thirty somethings are “wifed up”. I see what you look like in your 20′s & what you look like when you are back on the market in your 40′s and old guys, it is not pretty. Considering the average US marriage lasts only 8 years & you are not the one’s who’s bodies are being put through pregnancy, old guys, I really don’t know what you are thinking when you slip a ring onto a chick’s finger other than “I can now eat all the hot wings in the world & drink beer like it’s water”. Homer Simpson is NOT A REAL PERSON. Stop aspiring to be him.

So, now you are back on the dating market with most of your income going to child support & alimony, you are balding & your six pack has turned into a keg. Remember that creepy, old guy at the bar I mentioned earlier? Yes, this is now you except now, you sign up to a dating site & send the same copied & pasted message to 3,000 different chicks & while you find yourself posting drunk Facebook statuses about how “women don’t want a good man” & come to realize that your son’s friends have become your dating competition I, for one, will be smiling a crooked little smile for all the years that society accepted the female/male versions of May-December relationships only & greatly appreciating that we no longer live in those times. Playing. Field. Demolished.

But I Don’t Want To Know You

I’d like to address the “you just have to get to know me” response I hear from so many guys through online dating.  I said I wasn’t interested. I’m not attracted to you. Please don’t ask “why?” or tell me that you’re a “good guy” & that I “just have to get to know you.”.  I have a line of you “good guys” that’s a mile long & I’d much rather be alone than be with you & the majority of you “good guys” turn into complete assholes once you realize you can’t talk me into going out with you. You can see examples of this in my other blog, Dating Site Douche Bags.  

Trust me, I get judged based on my appearance only WAY more often than you guys do & it’s mainly you guys doing the judging. You don’t read my profile & message me based on my pics only & mainly the messages are comprised of overtly sexual comments. Yes, I realize I have big boobs. Thanks so very much for informing me of this, jerk off. You just insured you’ll never touch them.  I think the following quote from one message I received explains a lot of this behavior: “Sorry I know I would have no shot with you so I feel free to say what I feel.”

Also, just because I have an unconventional look, this does not mean that I am “wild” & just because I shoot nudes & fetish, it does not mean that I’m slutty or going to sleep with you. If you hadn’t been a complete tool & made asinine assumptions, perhaps we could have been friends & you would have gotten a chance to actually get to know ME.

Another response dickheads like this provide me with after being turned down is that I’m shallow. Why, because I believe I should be attracted to you to go out with you? I’m pretty goddamned antisocial so it takes a lot for me to meet up with someone from a dating site & yeah, forgive me but, being attracted to you has to be a factor.

So guys, PLEASE don’t try to argue with me & pick & choose the few traits you think you possess from what I’ve listed on my profile of what I’m looking for in a man & ignore the ones you do not. Please, please don’t tell me that I just have to get to know you….you’ll just end up on my Dating Site Douche Bags blog.

Game Over

“You can get any guy you want”, “why do you need to be on a dating site?” & “how are you single?” are things I hear from guys all the time.  Truth be told, though…I have absolutely no game. 

 

I never understood the logic of game playing.  Why in the world would I pretend to not like someone when I actually do like them?  All those Men are From Mars & The Rules books & articles make my heart beat fast.  Really?  I’m going to lose out on the one person I’m “meant to be with” because I texted after a date?  Please.  Plus, I do pretty much everything differently than others so, these books would just tell me I’m doing EVERYTHING wrong.  That’s okay though, because the lid to my pot will be just as weird as I am & won’t buy into that bull shit either. 

 

Also, I don’t pick up on signals very well.  Signals are stupid anyway.  If you like me or are interested, just tell me so. If you don’t, I’ll assume you’re cool with being just friends.  No biggie, I’ve got many guy friends.  I don’t enjoy the cat & mouse games or the “hunt”.  I don’t enjoy flirting with a ton of guys or listening to stupid pick up lines.  I don’t want you dressing up to take me to some restaurant where you’ll pull out my chair & I have to wear high heels & worry about spilling something on myself or if people are staring at me while I walk to the bathroom.  I’ll probably trip & get lost coming back from the bathroom.  High heels are for funerals & the bedroom and thank you, but I can damn well pull out my own chair.  I don’t want to see the guy you are pretending to be.  I want to see who you really are right from the beginning.  Too much to ask?

Let’s hang out in a park & people watch or lie on the floor listening to music.  Tell me about your prom & the worst thing you’ve ever done.  Tell me what your favorite Halloween costume as a kid was.  Tell me what your favorite movies are & what your super power would be.  Then tell me how much you like me.  You’ll be golden.

More Pretty People Pretty Please

Another thing I’ve learned from online dating is that I wish there were more pretty people (well, men at least ;)).  I know, I know but, let me explain.  I have very, very particular tastes & I make it very clear on my dating site profile & on Facebook, etc what these tastes are. I even offer up a list of celebrities and musicians on in case someone isn’t sure if they are my type.  Yet, most of the guys I get messages from (& recently in the comments here) are the exact opposite of what I am attracted to.  At first, I replied nicely to everyone even if I wasn’t interested because I thought it would be rude to ignore them.  I learned very quickly why this is not a good idea.  Typical guys get PISSED when you reject them or they tell you that you are shallow or ask you why you are turning them down.  Sigh.  Really?  I’m shallow you dumb mother fucker?  All you saw was a pair of tits, ignored the words on my profile and messaged me anyway. 

 

When they ask “why?” I just shake my head & tell my computer screen that they don’t want to hear the answer.  I have been told “fuck off, cunt” from a big, fat 50+ year old biker.  I had a guy curse me out & send me unsolicited dick pics. He said the most horrible things.  Unfortunately, for him he had (like a moron) left his phone number in his messages to me (as if I was interested).  After I posted what he said on Facebook, someone I know on Facebook (I was not aware of this until after he did it) took his phone number & created a very entertaining Craigslist ad pretending to be this guy & yes, I laughed my ass off.  He probably received quite a few messages from men wanting rim jobs & I could almost HEAR him cursing me. 🙂   I can go on and on & trust me, I have two albums full of these guys on Facebook with what they have said to me & I have literally been banned from one dating site from calling these guys out on their bullshit. I’d just post their comments, pics & user names right on my profile.  My therapist says I’m being a bully (which I put thought into) & think that if she saw what these guys say, she’d agree with me.  

 

Anyway, back to the pretty people.  I model.  I’ve mentioned this.  Models are constantly being rejected & we are okay with this. If I don’t have the look for a project, I just don’t.  I say thank you & move on the the next casting call. It doesn’t mean I’m any less attractive or pretty than the next model & I suppose this experience has made me okay with rejection with online dating. If I’m not someone’s type, I treat it the same way as a casting call.

 

Models, from what I have observed, tend to be pretty chill people who appreciate art.  They know (unlike most of the guys that hit on me) that we are not the people that we portray in our pictures.  Models don’t message other models obsessing over particular body parts & never getting passed just body parts.  Models don’t send other models dumb messages saying shit like “you look like fun” or “nice hair” or ask boob size.  If I think about it, probably the person I’ve gotten to know the most that I’ve met on a dating site is also a model. 

 

So, I’m thinking if there were more pretty people there would be more models.  I’d have a larger pool of attractive men to choose from who would be less likely to turn into jerk offs.  A girl can dream. 

I’m not Miss Elizabeth

As I’m left swiping my way through Tinder I keep seeing the same types of pictures from the same types of guys.  There’s the “I have so many friends-try to figure out which one I am amongst ten other people” pics, the “I’m so cool with bottle service in the club” pics, the “I play sports/surf/snowboard-can’t see my face” pics & my less than favorite “I’m a macho-macho-man-smoking-cigars-with-my-macho-macho-man-friends” pics.  Why is it that guys don’t see just how big of a dick they seem like with a phallic symbol in their mouths?

I find machismo & bravado nauseatingly off putting. i don’t understand why so many women find this puffery attractive. i don’t even find muscles to be a turn on. I actually like the exact opposite. give me a 6 foot, 140 pound guy any day. Guys like this are already ahead of the game because they don’t feel the need to peacock around to impress a girl.  They are confident enough with themselves to not participate in picking up & putting down heavy objects repeatedly to grow muscle upon muscle.  What in the world does a guy need all those muscles for anyway?  Are you moving pianos for a living?  Are you a super hero?  If not, I’d prefer if you stayed away from the gym… and if you aren’t a gangster, stay away from cigars.

Skinny guys have more time to spend on more useful things. I’d much rather a guy spend his time reading, creating art, playing music or doing almost anything else other than being a juice head.  Want to impress me?  Show off your brains & not brawn.

Lucy, Raj and the “Eh Factor”

I think most single people are looking to “click” with someone but, what I’m wondering is, are potentially great matches being blown off due to the “Eh Factor”?  I’m pretty reclusive and have social anxiety so I tend to not meet up with people unless I’m pretty interested.  I could be missing out on someone great because they don’t seem that great to me online & through texting. On the other hand, I could just be being practical by thinking “if I don’t think he’s awesome online, he’s not going to get any better in person”.

Due to being “Anxiety Girl” I tend to tell myself I’m being sensible by going with my practicality theory.  The thought of meeting someone new makes me break out in a sweat as it is, much less the idea of having to spend time with someone I might have to create an escape plan for.  Meeting in a public place gives me even more anxiety than meeting someone new.  You know how Raj and Lucy on the Big Bang Theory had a texting date?  That would be a dream date for me (if I had to have a date in a public place).  When nervous I stutter so a text date would be perfect.  I’d probably be more apt to meet up with someone I’m “eh” about if they put together a date like that. Lucy is much braver than me by forcing herself to be social.  But, that’s not real life, unfortunately.

I’ve actually had some dates at my place.  The entire issue of being in public is eliminated this way.  I’m on my home turf, I have my dog to help me feel more comfortable and to help avoid making eye contact. I don’t have the build up of nervousness during the ride to a meeting place and don’t have the horrible “walking in the door” anxiety.  Unfortunately, I’m stuck with the “Eh Guy” for an evening though, if we hang at my place.

When I’m considering forcing myself to hang out with one of these guys, I recall a friend’s story of her first date with her now husband.  She was bitchy, attempted to leave him in the restaurant (telling him she wasn’t “feeling it”) and got her heel caught in a subway grate while attempting to hail a cab and fell on her face.  He came after her and when he tried to help her up, she yelled at him.  He somehow convinced her to stay then she got drunk, cried and spilled marinara sauce on herself.  They’ve been together ever since.

As much as I love the above story, I’m pretty sure I’ll continue to blow off the “Eh Guy”.  I just haven’t come up with a half comfortable solution of meeting up yet.  Just writing this blog has made me light headed, breathe shorter breaths and made my muscles clench.  Sorry, “Eh Guy”, it’s not you.  It’s me.

**Update: The friend & husband mentioned above are divorcing. I no longer question the eh factor.

Is This Supposed To Be a Compliment?

“I did read your profile, but I’m sorry to say that I’m still just left thinking, wow, she could take first place in the national tits award.”

The Hairy Guy Fail-Safe and Raising the Blank Blank Bar

I prefer to only see one person at a time.  I’m not the type who likes to ride a man carousel & having spent half my life in a long-term relationship, I can’t say that I’ve had a whole lot of sexual experience (although I have done some stupid shit but, who hasn’t?).  I’ve only had a few one-night stands in my life & they were horrible & alcohol induced.  One of these one-night stands & a sexual experience one of my best friends had has resulted in us implementing a fail-safe.  Also, I have social anxiety, so by the time I’m approaching someone at a bar, I’m way past “making bad decisions mode.”

The particular horrible one night stand I had that is my half of the inspiration for the fail-safe happened while I was out with a few friends. I’d like to give a big, sarcastic “thanks a lot!” shout out to my friends for not stopping me.  Mind you, my personal preference in the body hair department on myself and others is NONE.  I don’t like hair except for head & eyebrow hair & I’m not even that fond of eyebrow hair.  Give me a long haired, hairless dude any day.  Anyway, when I’m too drunk I close one eye in an attempt to see only one of the two objects I’m looking at.  So, there I was, standing in some rock club staring at the stage with only one eye open.  In my drunken state, I thought the hairy band member I was blurrily looking at (and decided I was going to have) looked like Kim Thayil from Soundgarden.  I’m not even attracted to Kim Thayil.  Well, when I’m sober.  Chris Cornell is another story.

To lessen my public mortification I’ll just note that there was a van involved to which I was in for a total of probably four minutes. 

I can’t really share my friend’s experience (as hilarious as it is) that led to her half of our fail-safe without possibly having the other person involved reading this, but in the future if we are drinking and are about to make a big mistake, we plan to say a certain phrase which includes that person’s name.  We both are pretty damn sure hearing those words will promptly sober us up.

Your Girlfriends Think You Deserve Better Than You Think You Do

I’d like to preface this entry by saying that I & my best friends are not the typical girly girls.  I am a tomboy through and through & 3 out of my 4 best friends I met through professional wrestling.  Yes, they & I threw down, wrestled, broke more bones to count, got thrown through flaming tables (well, mainly that was me), bled profusely & enjoyed every minute of it. In fact, one of them is in the WWE Hall of Fame.  Not girly girls for sure.  The other I met in the go go industry but she is the scariest of all.  No one & I mean NO ONE messes with her.  She just has this “don’t even think about fucking with me” presence.  It’s her gift & no one fucks with her.  We are not the type to cry & whine & say stupid shit like “why doesn’t he like me???”.

Recently I’ve learned that it’s probably a good idea to censor some of the information you provide your girlfriends with about a guy you like or are dating.  One of my best friends recently got out of a two year, long distance relationship & started blogging about some of her “ex experiences”.  We were talking about some of these happenstances & I told her that she & her ex would never had stayed together so long if she had informed me & one of our other best friends of these incidents (basically because we wouldn’t have allowed it). To which she replied “That’s why I didn’t say anything.”. I then thought about how my friends react to the things I tell them & basically, if a guy has shown one iota of douche bag behavior, they hate him.  Time to kick him to the curb.  When I passed on what I said to this friend to another best friend through text, she mistakenly assumed he had hit her & was ready to pick me up & drive through several states to go kick his ass.

When it comes to dating, everyone at one point or another is a douche bag.  For example, I wasn’t convinced that the guy from my “It’s a Work” piece was a total dick.  Did he pull a dick move?  Hell, yeah.  Not one that I can’t say that I haven’t pulled myself, although in a lesser degree.  I’d hung out with a particular guy a few times but, just wasn’t really feeling “it”.  I hemmed and hawed about just telling him outright.  It’s hard to reject someone!  I didn’t answer quite as many of his texts & became more distant & I guess he got the hint. I still feel like an asshole about it.

My friends are probably right though.  I totally gave the guy from It’s a Work a chance to redeem himself & he didn’t.  Not even an “I’m sorry”.

It’s all good though.  There’s a lid for every pot.  In the meantime, it’s nice to know I have best friends willing to kick the living shit out of some guy who treated me wrongly.

My first guest blogger: Tracii Taylor

The Kristi Kiss Ex Files

Only a few entries in and I’m already featuring a guest blogger! You are really in for a treat today! Tracii Taylor is one of my best friends ever! She’s been a model and a pro wrestler and the most anti-social person I know. I’m the one to blame for getting Tracii onto the dating website scene. After she moved back to New Jersey a few years ago, we were both single and signed up for POF (which is awful). After a couple months I took my profile down but Tracii stuck with it and eventually moved on to better websites. Well, after three years of being on these sites, Tracii has learned a whole lot about dating and has some of the funniest dating horror stories I’ve ever heard! You can find Tracii on Twitter @traciitaylor and on Facebook as well. Give us some feedback and maybe we’ll see…

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