Is This Supposed To Be a Compliment?

“I did read your profile, but I’m sorry to say that I’m still just left thinking, wow, she could take first place in the national tits award.”

Ten Things I've Learned From Online Dating

1) Guys cast a wide net. This is the school of thought where a guy hits on 100 women & goes out with the one who responds. You aren’t that special.

2) Guys online do not have to buy you a drink to send you a message. Expect the majority of the messages you receive to come from, let’s call them “undesirables”.

3) Most of the messages you receive will result in face palming, confusion as to how these people were raised (as in by monkeys because there is no way in holy hell that any human woman on the face of the earth would react positively to said messages) & the desire to knee the sender in the balls or to set them on fire.

4) If you have female parts the above three comments apply to you. Again, you are not that special.

5) If you find a guy on an online dating site attractive, “long term dating” will conveniently not be on his profile.

6) If you’ve ever been considered “alternative” or “out of the box” expect messages from those who have little alternative & will never be in your box. I’m talking adult babies & midgets. No lie. I may be far from “vanilla” but there is no way I’m changing diapers…on anyone…ever…which sets up my next comment.

7) Most chicks want babies & guys who can “provide for them”. Seriously, do a search of females on a dating site that do not have or want children…there’s two. I’m one of them. Fuck that noise.

The exact opposite of what you are attracted to will hit on you & what you are attracted to will reject you.

9) If you have words on your online dating profile expect to be the only one who reads them.

10) You are not alone in online dating hell. A Facebook friend of mine had a guy with a breathalyzer installed in his car take her to a Tyler Perry movie. I still haven’t decided which is worse.